Is It My Turn Yet?

Dragging your Reason into a Season

2011-03-05T06:13:00.003-05:00

Here's how my morning started *Jumped out of bed with a start, my chest began to heave, and yes I just used the words heave, my eyes searched the room furiously*, I had the nightmare of all nightmares. Nope no monsters were involved (well no non-human ones anyways) and no there were no serial killers out to get me (although I might have preferred it!). I had a dream about a guy and his damn ex girlfriend that I never even met!! Let me explain...

In my last post I spoke about a guy who led me to an epiphany. He was a guy I was semi-dating who was confusing the hell outta me. Anyways at the end of my post I added a premature P.S., you see I thought it was officially over, I was wrong. After my epiphany and my reflection I was ready to move on with my life when we stumbled into each other again. He told me he had missed me for the period we were apart, which was all of one weekend and I got a little weak in the knees (I know, I know, paaathetic). But I was determined to keep things strictly casual and in the friend zone, after all this was the guy who called me "strange" and not in a good way. He completely ruined my good intentions on Valentine's Day. As soon as I woke up, I noticed my BB red light flashing, it was him wishing me Valentine's Day and saying other incredible sweet things, things that would make any girl heart go a pitter patter, and so it began. I found myself back in the same story of me putting in most of the effort, him putting in as little as possible and me wondering why I kept doing this to myself. Well I finally snapped out of it and stopped the madness (or so I thought).

I went on a strike for a week, I didn't communicate with him once and surprise surprise he didn't initiate anything with me either. However I guess it began to get to him because he messaged me demanding to know why I was ignoring him. Of course I lied and pretended that I hadn't, and when I suggested that he should have just contacted me if he wanted to talk he gave me some smart aleck answer. Stupidly, I felt kinnda bad, although a bit superior and we ended up having a 5 hr conversation on Sat/Sun, followed by a 3 hr on Sun/Mon, followed by another 3 hr on Mon/Tues. and you get my drift, it went like that for most of the week. We have always had that though, the ability to talk to each other for hours and hours and forget time exists. But long ass conversations does not a relationship make.

Somewhere in those long ass conversations his ex girlfriend came up. He was involved with her for 4 years until early last year when it ended. We have had conversations about her before but I guess we got a little more in depth. He spoke about how screwed up everything got and how "out of touch with reality" she is. He also explained that he got really depressed and lonely after the break up and he started dating a lot of girls to fill the void (me included, imagine what a joy it was to know that I was a void filler). He ended up saying that he was done with that and from now on it was about getting his life back together. Of course I was happy for him but slightly confused, where did that leave me? I guess in the friend zone where I thought I wanted to be. But you know how it is when a guy all of a sudden wants to be just friends, that makes you want him even more. But, I managed to push that aside and was content with being friends. Of course he couldn't make it easy, he was still flirtatious and suggestive which made it more confusing.

So yesterday, in a naive stupor, I left him a "little more" than friends message. His response? 2 sentences and the conversation was over. Yet another slap in the face. When will I learn?? He is just not that into me, he all but said it. He doesn't want a relationship, and more importantly he does not want a relationship with me. I don't understand why it is such a hard message to grasp. Well grasp it I did when I realised I was also using him as a void filler. He was the faux boyfriend I never had. I wasn't necessarily crazy about him, I was just happy to have someone there, anyone and I was finding it difficult to let go. In my last post I mentioned that he came into my life for a reason, to bring the message home that I had to love myself first before I could love anyone else. Well instead of just accepting that he was there for a reason, I gave him the green light for another season. Now I'm not gonna say its "officially over" or I'll never speak to him again but I know that I'm not going to use him as a void filler and as for contacting him? Well let's just say the urge has quieted down immensely. Being alone, sans distractions, sans fillers can be a really scary thing but sometimes we just have to go through it in order to get what we want in the end, true love, peace of mind, whatever. So I'm dropping the filler...Lord help me!

Oooo I almost forgot what started this post! As if the slap in the face wasn't enough yesterday, I dreamt about his ex girlfriend, who I never even met. He apparently got drunk and wrote some horrible things on her facebook wall and I got the notification. I ended up going to her house and she was oh so petite and perfect, not to mention sickenly sweet. She was so upset he had done this but I could tell she was acting all superior and was looking down at me (I know, I know it was just a dream, but you should have seen her!). Needless to say I officially hate her. She was always this woman in the background taunting me, well now I got up close and personal with her and that was even more resounding than the slap in the face. If that wasn't a loud enough warning sign I don't know what is! So yeah that was my nightmare, as I said before, Lord help me!

Help & words of advice...

2011-02-11T19:13:00.004-05:00

I need help, assistance, aid, whatever you want to call it. I kinnda like this guy, its the same guy I spoke about in my other post. The nice/jock guy that I met online. Anyways things have been suckish. At first it was great, he really liked me, I really liked him. Then like everything else, it changed. He wasn't as interested as he was before, the msgs became fewer and fewer. The urgency to spend time with me was all but gone. He could go 4 days without talking to me and be fine. I on the other hand went crazy. I accused him of not being interested, I was upset, I was hurt. We battled it out. He claimed he was still interested, he reassured me he liked me. He was just scared, busy etc. you know all the excuses you heard from "He's Just Not That Into You".

Here is the problem. I can't seem to let him go. I still talk to him, I still try to maintain contact with him and he doesn't turn me away. It makes it hard to stop. I need to stop. I need to run far far away and forget about him. And there is something else I learned. Its something I have been told before but never fully understood. You cannot under any circumstances love somebody, like really love them and receive love in return unless you love yourself. There is no way. Because here is what happens. When you dont love yourself, you turn to others to validate you. To make you feel worthy and when they reject you which they ultimately will because they can tell even you dont love yourself, you end up feeling worst. Feeling as though you aren't worth crap. So even though you feel lonely, even though it hurts its best to be single and work on yourself. When you love yourself and you are happy you can look for someone else to compliment you, but never before.

P.S. its over now, as I was writing this it became officially over.

The Jock & The Outcast

2010-12-04T17:39:00.003-05:00

Let me start off by saying Mr. Interesting is officially out of the picture. As I mentioned in my last post he said he wanted to start communicating through email. I agreed and sent him one. He never responded. That was a week ago. This time I didn't get upset, I just let it go and kept on moving. I can't lie though, I started feeling sorry for myself. Not because of some loser guy who chose not to email me but I began to wonder about my worth as a partner. Would anybody ever want me as a girlfriend? Would any guy ever be crazy about me? During the time I was getting ignored, my coworker was being showered with flowers, hand delivered stuffed mushrooms and cheese cake, dinner at the best restaurant in town. It was significant because:

1. She sits 2 feet away from me and hence we are always up in each other's kool-aid
2. For the few months I have known her, we have grown close and I was there when she was going through an awful, awful break up (ironically, this is the same guy that is now begging her to take him back, which she ended up doing)

Many guys in the office are attracted to her and it is easy to see why. She is a cute, petite little thing. She is such a genuinely nice person and she is just one of those people that everyone wants to be around. I can't even hate, if I were a guy I'd probably want her to. But it got me thinking about myself and my potential as a romantic partner. Do I even have any?

I think God realised I needed my ego stroked, either that or he was tired of me being so insecure so he sent me a match on eharmony. I will call this guy Cutie (I don't think I need to elaborate on why). When Cutie was initially matched with me I immediately wanted to "open communication" with him but decided against it because I didn't think I would have much of a chance (yep my self esteem had taken a hit after Mr. Interesting). So I left it alone and kept on moving. I signed in about 2 days later, only to realise Cutie had sent me some questions. Intrigued, I responded and sent him back some as well. Within a few hours we went through the entire guided communication and Cutie sent me an eharmony email. From that moment we kept emailing each other back and forth and I found myself being more and more taken with him. And he in turn seemed taken with me. Unlike Mr. Interesting, I never wondered if Cutie would email me back or if he was going to keep me waiting, there were no games involved. But don't start breaking out the champagne yet because of course it's complicated:

- Cutie lives in a different time zone than me, I'm 4 hours ahead of him to be exact. Next year, we will be living in the same country (I'm moving there for school *fingers crossed*) but we will still be in different time zones.
- Cutie is not looking for anything serious, he just got out of a very serious relationship a couple of months ago. I on the other hand have been single for almost 24 years.
- There are girls hounding Cutie down left, right & center. I swear he is probably 1 out of the 5 good looking guys on eharmony. And he is such a genuinely nice guy you'd think he had a face only a mother could love.
- Cutie & I are kinnda like the jock and the drama geek of high school

Despite these complications, Cutie and I have started talking to each other through msn and hopefully we will progress from there. I don't think anything can really happen between us given the distance and other factors. But I think the reason I met him when I did was to remind myself that I am awesome, yes someone can be interested in me and yes there are some decent guys left in this world. And hey, who doesn't like to get their ego stroked from time to time?

Retraction & Update

2010-11-27T06:23:00.004-05:00

Before I begin I want to apologize for writing such a cryptic post and never following up with an explanation. I am not that great with follow through as you may have guessed *shame face*. Anyways I have been a busy busy girl, I only recently got back from a mini trip, my parents finally got married after 32 years of being togther! It's hard to believe I know. But the ceremony was great and the location even better. But anyways I'm back and I have an update on the whole internet dating thing.

I mentioned 3 guys in my previous post: Mr. Interesting, Mr. Travels & Mr. Persistent. Well sorry to say Mr. Travels and not so sorry to say Mr. Persistent are both gone. I made the decision not to pursue things with Mr. Travels. I have been down that road before (many times actually), trying to date/give a chance to someone I wasn't attracted to and things never ended well. Maybe it was a wrong decision because I still think about Mr. Travels now and then but I just wasn't up for it. As for Mr. Persistent, I took you guys' advice and ignored him. It worked like a charm and he soon became a faded memory.

So that leaves Mr. Interesting. This is where it gets kind of weird. Once again I took your advice (thanks! :) ) and I messaged him back. After that we continued messaging each other daily, but it was always one email by both of us which I guess made the getting to know each other process even slower. Our conversations are strictly platonic, there is no flirting, no mnetioning of looks, nothing like that. In the little experience I've had with online dating someone at least mentions the other person "having a nice smile" or a little something like that! I mean don't get me wrong I prefer to take things slow and steady especially after last year's debacle with another online dating fling. But being the patient and non-neurotic girl that I am, I took the plunge and told Mr. Interesting that he had a great smile, I mean he really does...Anywho he responded by talking about everything under the sun other than the smile comment. He completely ignored it. Not even a measly thanks, not even a so do you (hey, I've got a nice smile too). I'm not sure how to take that. Maybe he wasn't ready for such a "racy" comment or maybe he just isn't that attracted to me. Who knows.

Before I left for my parents' wedding I mentioned to him that I was leaving etc. He told me to have a great trip and let him know how it goes. I am an obedient girl so when I got back I emailed him letting him know how awesome the trip was and asking him how he'd been and stuff like that. His response: *crickets* as in he never responded. Days began to go by and there was nothing, although I knew he read the message. At first I wrote it off as him being busy (classic denial), after 4 days I was upset (hence my rant) and by the 5th day I completely wrote him off. Of course when I thought it was over he emailed me. He explained how he was sorry he had been really busy lately (they always are, aren't they?)and he wanted to move our communication from the dating site to actual email. I guess you'd call that going to the next level in the online dating world. The thing is I'm not really sure about this guy, it's too early to tell but the whole silent night deal during the last couple of days wasn't helpful. I mean I get that he was busy, he's a grad school student after all. But, you were so ridiculously busy you couldn't find 2 mins. to respond? I don't know, we'll see how it goes with this one but I'll try my best to update more often!

P.S. I retract my statement about him being Mr. Asshole,that was a bit harsh, he's still Mr. Interesting for now.

Name Change

2010-11-25T05:37:00.001-05:00

Mr. Interesting turned out to be Mr. Asshole. I'll explain later but let's just say I'm pretty much done with the online dating thing.

SOS!

2010-11-09T19:29:00.002-05:00

I'm back again with more stories to tell. It turns out this whole online dating is giving me more fodder for this blog, so I guess one good thing came out of it. Let me begin by introducing you to four guys:

1. Mr. Interesting
2. Mr. Persistent
3. Mr. Travels
4. Mr. Crush

I'll start with Mr. Interesting. You may have remembered him from my last two posts, if not I'll quickly give you the back story. I saw Mr. Interesting on a dating website. I read his profile, thought he was interesting (hence the name) so I *poked/nudged* him, he responded by doing the same. Silly me took this as a sign he may be interested and sent him an email. This was on Sunday. He never responded, but I saw that he viewed my profile everyday since then. I thought this was a little strange but didn't bother. My hands were a bit full exchanging communication with a guy on another website, enter Mr. Travels...

Mr. Travels and I had alot in common so once again I initiated contact. But this time it was a little different. Mr. Travels constantly exchanged messages with me. The more he messaged the more intrigued I was and amazed by the fact that we had SOOOO much in common, like our insane love for travelling (yep that's where I got the name from). I should mention that I met Mr. Travels on a free website, meaning I hadn't subscribed to it and was just milking the free promotion. The free promotion was coming to an end but I had yet to exchange real contact info. with Mr. Travels so I did something really stupid and subscribed for a month. I tell you, desperation will make you do alot of stupid shit. Anyways, I hadn't seen his picture all the while we were communicating, it was a members only privilege. But now that I subscribed,I was able to view all his photos. Let's just say I wasn't high fiving my self. The whole thing was too good to be true. I was not attracted to Mr. Travels at all. I just double checked his photos, and yup...still not attracted. Needless to say I was disappointed and pissed at myself for making a rash decision once again. I'll move on to Mr. Persistent...

I met Mr. Persistent on the same site as Mr. Interesting. This time there was no need to initiate contact. He nudged me first, emailed and attempted to IM. The sad thing about this is I have no interest in Mr. Persistent, like none! But he didn't get that name for nothing. When I hadn't responded to his email or IM, he wrote this little gem: "I wish we could talk... What kept you from answering my message?!"
What do I say to something like that?? He mentioned in his profile that his potential partner cannot like vampires. So being clever, I messaged him back saying I like vampires. Unfortunately it didn't work, he was still interested. I haven't responded I'm just as good with giving rejection as I am receiving it. Needless to say I don't know how to break the news gently. Let's talk about Mr. Crush...

Mr. Crush is not from an online dating site. He's that guy that I met at work a couple of posts back. I had a serious crush on him for awhile but it slowly dissipated and there's barely anything there. Anyways on my walk during lunch I spotted him and this girl together, she also works in the office. They were walking back from lunch and looking very cozy. My friend nudged me and made a quip about another budding romance but I wasn't too worried. I knew the girl had a boyfriend. Apparently that doesn't count for much. I later found out from another coworker that apparently Mr. Crush was madly in love with this girl and she also had feelings for him. To top it off she received flowers today. I'm not sure if it was from him but I wouldn't be surprised, he's just that kind of guy. When I found out about them I was a little shocked but I didn't feel too bad, I wasn't crushing on him as much as before. And after finding out it definitely flew out the window. I am happy for both of them, they are both good people. But I can't help but wonder, why does someone else always get the guy? I'll go back to Mr. Interesting...

After feeling pretty crappy about seeing Mr. Travels pics and remembering Mr. Crush and his crush, I was greeted by the red light blinking furiously on my BB. Mr. Interesting had finally email me back. I was shocked to say the least. Why did he take so long to respond when I knew he read the message 2 days ago? Is he trying to play hard to get? Why did he bother to message at all? Was this a pity move? Am I just being paranoid? I'm not sure but I wasn't as interested as I was before.

So here is where I ask for your amazing advice (you guys really do give great advice!). Should I even message Mr. Interesting back? I am still interested but I wonder if he even is. And what should I do about Mr. Persistent? Should I just ignore him or let him down gently? And the big one...Mr. Travels. Based on pics I am not attracted. But should I still give him a chance since we have so much in common? I'm really not sure what to do. So yeah, I'm looking forward to hearing what you guys have to say!

Buyer's Remorse

2010-11-07T19:10:00.003-05:00

It has been two days and I already regret forking up my hard earned money for online dating. Remember that guy I mentioned in my last post? Mr.Interesting? Well he hasn't responded to my message and I know he read it. It is inevitable that rejection will take place on these sites but that doesn't make it any easier when it happens. It also doesn't help that I haven't seen any other guys that I am remotely interested in. I know it is early still but I'm not the most patient person out there.

The other thing that makes me kinnda nervous is that my profile may not be as great as I previously thought. I was kind of lazy and just used the same tagline and about me that I had a year ago on another site. I used it over because I did garner alot of attention before. But now all I'm getting is *crickets*, I'm constantly on the site checking to make sure that I am indeed connected to the internet and everything is working as it should. Of course there is no technical difficulties, there is just no connection with anyone. I don't get it, on the other site I literally was overwhelmed with messages, comments, flirts or whatever. Now I'm lucky if I get a generic alert from the site. Maybe its a different demographic, so I should tailor my profile differently, like I would a resume? I dunno. At this point I just feel dejected.

To top things off one of my girlfriends who lives in my former city skyped me today. We covered the basics: played catch up with each other's lives, talked about jobs, current projects we were working on and of course we got to guys.

Her: (All excited) "So are there any guys"
Me: (Tired of repeating this same dialogue) "Nope, no new guys"
Her: (Surprisingly, surprised) "Really, there is no one your interested in at all?"
Me: "Nope"

I often wonder why she even bothers to ask me when she constantly gets the same response. Many of my friends have given up on asking me this question altogether and have accepted me as the token single friend. I guess I have sort of accepted it too. I'm going to be 24 in a month and I'm not as upset as I thought I would have been about still being single. It will also be 2 years since I started writing this blog and while many things have changed, alot has remained the same.

But beneath all my "woe is me" pessimism, there is a spark of light, there always has been. It may be small, but there is that little glimmer of hope that I will have a real, wonderful, fulfilling relationship someday. I mean seriously, how can somebody not be in love with the awesomeness that is me??

For now I'm going to quit the compulsive checking of the dating sites and just live my life. I heard this saying the other day and I intend to make it a part of me: "Live in the present. Forget the dead past and the unborn future." When you think about it, it does make alot of sense.

Online Dating Help

2010-11-06T18:29:00.003-04:00

I'm not really great with follow through, I'll admit it. As such, I didn't really continue with the "30 Days of Truth". Over time I will randomly do a post from the list but as you may have noticed I won't post daily.

In other news, I joined an online dating website for the 4th or 5th time? Not sure which. I usually quit after a day or two of seeing the winners that are on these sites. But in a case of desperation last night I joined two sites. One free, the other not free. On one of these sites I actually saw a profile of an interesting guy (yeah I was shocked too). We had a lot of similar interests and he was pretty attractive. So I did what any red-blooded, semi-horny gal would do and sent him the equivalent of a poke. He poked me back today but didn't send me a message or anything like that. Now I'm pretty interested in finding out more about this guy. But I'm a bit hesitant to initiate contact beyond the poke. I am a bit old-fashioned in that sense and believe if he was interested he would have messaged me. So hear comes the question.

Should I message this guy?

P.S. We got matched on another dating website! Coincidence? Probably but it makes things more interesting.

30 Days of Truth - Day 2

2010-10-10T09:23:00.002-04:00

I am way behind on this. I thought I would have time during my vacation to continue blogging but evidently I did not, so I'm playing catch up. Day 2 of the truths deals with self love or something you love about yourself. When I initially saw what Day 2 entailed I wanted to run, jump and skip over to Day 3. Anything but what I love about myself. Writing about what you love about yourself requires you to think good things about yourself. And if you can't come up with something substantial then really what does that say? Anyways I have decided to get over myself and write this truth, so here goes:

- I love the fact that I finally realise how awesome I truly am. Not trying to sound conceited or anything but over the last couple of weeks I have begun to see myself for who I really am. Not the made up version of myself where I think I am all dark, twisty and unlovable. I love that I can finally see the real me and actually love what I see.

- I love how I am able to put myself in other people's shoes and be empathetic and considerate. Although it does get me in trouble sometimes those are good qualities to have.

- I love that I refuse to settle for less than I deserve. It wasn't always that way but things have changed.

- I love my warmth, my intelligence, my wittiness and my perceptiveness.

- I love my smile and how cutesy I can be.

- I love how great I feel when I express self love.

- I love that I am able to forgive myself for my past mistakes.

Will I did it. Day 2 is over and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be :).

30 Days of Truth

2010-09-26T08:39:00.005-04:00

Hey everyone! I considered giving an update on how things have been with me recently until I came across this 30 Days of Truth on one of my fav. blog writer's page Hope Dies Last. I think it will be way more interesting to write on something like this than to ramble about how "i'm still single, blah blah" or "how much my life sucks blah blah". I hope the rest of you all will join me on this quest. The full list that I got from Hope's blog is here.

Day One's topic is something you hate about yourself. I'm not sure who came up with the list but I find it interesting that this is the first thing on here. I dunno if it's because it's pretty easy for us to pick out our flaws or because we revel in having "self bashing parties". But whatever it is here goes:

Something I hate about myself

- I hate that I don't believe in myself more. It is so easy for me to believe that family, friends or a random stranger can do whatever they put their minds too but for myself I don't have that kind of faith or confidence.

- I hate that I don't recognize my own self worth. On some level I realise that I am great and amazing but a huge part of me believes that is bull. Consequently, I find it hard to believe that certain things like finding a great guy will happen to me (honestly, how did i find a way to link this topic to being single I don't know, it wasn't intentional! Swear).

- Another thing I hate about myself is that I think I am some sort of "fixer upper" that constantly needs to bludgeoned to death with self improvement efforts. I mean I am all for improving one's self but there comes a time where we need to accept who we are and realise that we aren't as broken as we believe and in fact we are happy, healthy and whole as we are. When self improvement becomes obsessive (i.e. always sprinting to the self help section upon entering a Barnes and Noble) something needs to give.

- I hate that I worry so much about being single and alone forever. So annoying.

- I hate that I overeat to compensate for my feelings of lack and loneliness.

- I hate that I can probably write more about what I hate about myself than what I love about myself.

So I'm ending here because I really don't want to go too deep into this topic. But as I said this list is interesting. Hopefully I will write on it everyday. It may be difficult as I am travelling in the next two weeks (sooo excited!). But I will try my best to stick with this. As I said before I hope you guys will join me and I look forward to reading your lists!

Crush

2010-08-13T21:41:00.002-04:00

I am in total crush mode. The object of my affection is my coworker. I know this is not an ideal situation especially because of the department I work in but its becoming difficult to ignore. When I first started with this company I remember thinking that this place had a serious cute guy shortage. I remember especially thinking this when I was first introduced to this guy (we will call him Jay). However, over time we have had many interactions and conversations because of the department he works in. And now I am beginning to see him in a different light.

During our conversations I started to realize what a genuine nice guy he is. I mean he is such a sweetheart!! I honestly can't get over it. Even though I realized how sweet he was I still wasn't taken with him because I didn't find him that attractive. He is really tall which I love. But he doesn't have the best teeth and hairline (excuse my shallow observations). Then one day I asked him to help me out with something and his hand got in grazing distance to mine and I felt a spark. It was certainly a shock because I didn't realize I had feelings for him. Day by day after that my crush grew and I finally realized that I was in like with him.

So here's the problem. I have no idea how he feels about me because he is so nice to everyone I can't tell if he is just being himself or if there is something more there. And since I started liking him I have started acting awkward and foolish around him because I don't know how else to behave. I come off looking like a 14 yr old girl with her first crush. Somehow I doubt thats a turn on. The other problem is that we work together and our company is def. not big on office romances and I can understand why, they can get pretty messy.

Having a crush can be fun. Wondering if I will bounce into him in the corridor or by the water cooler can be exciting but it is also mad annoying. Its mad annoying because I find my mind running on him a lot lately. And its not that fun thinking about someone when they don't think about you in that way. For once I would love for a guy to be interested in me. I'm sure having a mutual crush is much more fun than crushing solo. One good thing about this crush...it sure makes coming to work less painful.

Update

2010-08-08T10:38:00.003-04:00

I have been meaning to update for awhile but every time I start I get caught up in something else and forget to blog entirely. Life has been pretty bearable these days. Not incredible, fantastic or on the flip side horrible and depressing, just bearable. Strangely work has made it that way, it has been pretty crazy lately so all I do is work and vegetate in front of my laptop/tv. Sometimes I wonder if life will ever be more than bearable. You know some people who are just happy? Like happy all the time. I mean yes they have their days but they are generally just happy people. I have no idea what that feels like. Or maybe I am happy and don't realise it? I dunno but I want my life to be more than just bearable.

Since I've been living in this new country I realise two things. I want to change careers and I want to move again. I also want to go back to grad school but I'm finding myself reluctant to study for the GRE. This is what I don't understand about myself. I always say I want this this and this yet I am never committed enough to work towards it and then December 31st rolls around and I see another year wasted. 2010 was supposed to be a year of action for me but something keeps holding me back from making the first step. Well that's not entirely true, I have gotten out of my comfort zone a few times since I've been here. I just need to do it more.

Boys & Relationships. Well I'm still single (big surprise). Usually summer is the time I meet guys (around May/June) and things begin to fizzle out around August. This year that hasn't happened which can either be a good or bad thing. I am looking at it as a good thing, maybe something more substantial is coming along? I have to start looking at things that way or else depression will take over. Another friend of mine got engaged just 2 days ago. I'm beginning to see a trend, a lot of people I know are either getting into serious relationships or getting engaged or married. I mean it is that time I suppose, we are heading into our mid twenties soon. When I hear news that a friend has decided to spend her life with her significant other, conflicting feelings arise. Of course I am happy and excited for that friend but I also feel a pinch of worry. I haven't had a first boyfriend yet much less an engagement.

I was talking to my cousin last night and she told me about her friend, she's 45 and never had a boyfriend. And she believes that its one of the contributing factors of her going mad (yes locked up in a padded room mad). When I hear the story I feel sorry for the friend because I can understand how loneliness can chip away at one's sanity. I reallllyyy don't want one of my friend's telling a story like that about me 20 years from now. In fact let me not even think about that.

You know what? I don't even need to have a relationship right now. That's okay. I would just like to know that SOMEDAY preferably soon it will happen. That one day I too will be able to announce my engagement rather than live vicariously through a fb friend. That's all.

21 Questions and More

2010-05-27T21:42:00.005-04:00

So today I log in to facebook and I decided to look up one of my classmates. Imagine my surprise when I found out she had gotten married (and not facebook married either, the real deal). Well really I shouldn't be shocked, I remember when I found out she was engaged, that had been the real shocker because she had always been single and then one day, boom! she was engaged on facebook. At that point I felt genuine happiness for her. There was no wistful feeling, no jealousy etc. just happiness from one friend to another. I then moved on to another facebook page, another classmate. Turns out there was no marriage this time just engagement. It was then that Mr. Wistful came up behind me and tapped me on my shoulder. I then realised that most people that I knew were coupled up, booed up and living the happily ever after life. It's amazing how you can go weeks without thinking about being single and then one day, when you're just minding your business (well someone else's on facebook) and your reminded that your still solo.

The way I feel right not now isn't that of sadness or depression I'm just filled with questions. For the last few months I have been struggling with adjusting to living in a different country. It hasn't been easy to say the least. I have regretted my decision to move quite a few times and have battled with depression. However, over the last few weeks I have started to feel better. I am still thinking about moving again next year, but for the moment I am okay with where I'm at. Anyways back to what I was saying. I am filled with wonder. Wonder about my life and relationships. How much longer will I be single for? Is everyone going to continue to couple up and leave me behind? Am I always going to be wanting but never having a relationship? What is it like to be engaged? To fall asleep talking to someone on the phone each night? To always have someone to share a joke with, to go to the movies with, to stay in and snuggle with? Or even just vent about a bad day with? Is it really as good as it seems? Or do I just watch way too many Rom Coms? I wish I knew the answers to these questions maybe it will help me some.

On the plus side I don't feel hopeless. I know I am deserving of a great relationship and I know I have a lot to offer someone. I just haven't had the opportunity yet, doesn't mean it's never going to happen. I also asked myself this question today "If Mr. Right, Mr. Perfect my very own Sent from Heaven Soulmate, showed up today would I be able to receive him? Will I be prepared and ready for a relationship?" Truth is I don't know, I still have a ways to go. It also got me thinking, sometimes when we don't have something in our life its not necessarily because we are unlucky or not deserving. Sometimes its because we aren't ready, or its not the right time. Or maybe I'm just justifying. Whatever it is I'm glad I've let go of that hopeless feeling.

Still Not My Turn...yet

2010-04-21T21:09:00.004-04:00

I got a job, YAY!!! I actually got my job at the end of March but of course I was too lazy to blog about it. So far its been okay...i'm neither over the top happy about it nor disappointed by it. It is what it is. I am just so grateful for it because it's what I wanted and hey its a job. Funny though, when I heard that I got the job I was ecstatic during the days leading up to it. I felt like nothing could top this feeling, not even a man. And even the first couple of weeks, my mind was so focused on work that I didn't even think about having a bf or the fact that I dont have one. I was good. However, since the last two weekends I have that lonely feeling. You know the one you get when you realise its Friday night and your alone once again. Or you hear a friend talking about her boyfriend and you feel that pang hit the pit of your stomach. You know what I'm talking about. I'm sick of saying I wish I had this and that in life when I know I have plenty to be grateful for. But at times like these I can't help but wish I had someone. And I can't help but wonder why it hasn't happen for me yet but its happen for so many other people multiple times over. I just want it to be my turn already...the wait is becoming unbearable.

What Are You Doing Here?

2010-02-20T12:47:00.003-05:00

"You have received a friend request from (insert guy i've been crushing on since 2006 here)". This is what I was greeted to when I checked my phone on Thursday afternoon. Almost immediately I was going wild with excitement because he always claimed he would never join that networking site. It was like I was given a free access pass to investigate everything going on in his life, granted he put up the information of course. It wasn't long before I was going through his profile like a certified stalker. Unfortunately he did not put up much info for me to stalk. However, I still went through his friends list and kept wondering if he was dating this girl or that girl. Since then every time I log into the site I check to see if he updated any information. And when I do look at his page I feel this sort of nervous, anxious feeling like I am liking him all over again for the first time.

All of this makes no sense to me. I haven't spoken to him since June of last year. And during our last meeting I made peace with the fact that he will never like me and I need to move on. And I did or at least I thought I did. He is also on my msn list, and he is always online, in fact he is online now and that never bothers me. So I don't understand why him joining this site is making me feel this rush of feelings and longing for him.

Another thing that set off these feelings is that he has moved from the country I was living in, to somewhere far away. I am assuming he moved because his current city has changed on the networking site. I was shocked and felt a pang. A pang of longing and a pang like I had lost him forever. I mean I moved first so obviously there was that separation already, not to mention that we haven't spoken in forever. But somehow knowing that he had moved made the separation feel even more concrete. I just don't understand why I'm feeling this way. I also don't know why these feelings are back.

For me the networking site was my own sanctuary. I knew he wasn't on it and I was free to act do and say as I please without giving it a second thought. But now that he is on my friends list I am always over analyzing what I put up. Ugh this whole situation is just silly and ridiculous. I have to, need to get over it and him.

Valentine's Day Surprise!

2010-02-13T21:57:00.004-05:00

Ohmy call somebody! The world as I know it is coming to an end. Look outside I see piggies flying! (And all the usual cliches that goes with being overly shocked). I Audrey22 am sitting here, hours away from Valentine's Day and I am not feeling bitter. I am not upset, regretful or angry or even sad. Usually I am all these things and more. Hating & jealous of all the happy couples in love. But right now I'm not. I think I have too much other stuff going on (like figuring out my purpose and getting over my 1/4 life crisis) to be concerned with not receiving some chocolates tomorrow. Plus being in my current location is perfect right now! Everyone is so caught up in another national festival that they don't have much time to worry about V-day which is great for me! Plus I realize it's not my time right now to be with someone, or else clearly I would be with someone. One day I will have my Valentine and it will be everything I wish it would be (yes i am that optimistic or maybe in denial depending on how you look at it). But for now, I'm just happy that I am not driving myself crazy over this day. Let's hope it remains that way!

p.s. i apologize if the title of my post was misleading into making anyone think i actually had a date for vday or some variation of that.

Quarter Life Crisis

2010-01-28T17:22:00.006-05:00

So I've moved as I said I would! I'm in an entirely different country, I've been here a little over 2 weeks now. So far it's been up and down, and not quite as I expected. The job I was hoping to get...I didn't get it. A business I was hoping to start with my best friend fell through. And well I'm in a very unknown area in my life right now. Btw I don't do well with unfamiliar ground (funny as I moved miles away without a secure plan!). I love being in my comfort zone and having direction in my life, right now its about the opposite. Needless to say I haven't been adjusting well. To make it worst many of the comforts I previously enjoyed such as great internet service is gone. The internet here is intermittent and extremely slooowww! This is especially bad for me seeing that I am a tv addict, and have tons of shows that I would usually watch online. Now I have to go without, at least for a little while.

One of my main priorities right now is finding a job. And not just any job, a decent (preferably great) one, with decent (preferably amazing) pay. Since I've graduated from school last June I haven't been able to find that first real grown-up job. This has been a great source of worry for me. Especially now that I'm in a new place. For the last week and a half I have been dealing with insomnia and I find myself crying at random moments in the day. Everyday I wake up positive and ready to apply to a number of jobs. But by the middle of the day my resolve is gone and I find myself either watching tv, napping or finding more ways to procrastinate. Don't get me wrong I have been scouring job ads, networking like crazy (lol well actually my mom has been networking for me) and getting my resumes out there but right now it seems there isn't much demand for my field. And the jobs that are available are asking for like 5 years experience. I still apply to these jobs even though my chances may be slim. I just want to start my career already and feel like my life is moving in the right direction. But I also struggle with what I want out of my life. This is probably the most confused I've been in my life. I feel like a lost little lamb and its not a good feeling.

Aside from the whole finding a job thing there is the being single thing. At this moment I am so preoccupied with finding a job that I don't have much time to think about boys. But there are times when the pang of singleness hits me hard. For example last weekend my friend and I went to the beach with her bf and kid. I didn't go swimming but they did. I couldn't help but observe them from my lounge chair. They were frolicking happily in the water, they were locked in each others' embrace and doing typical romantic-y couple-y things. I couldn't help feeling a pang of longing. I have never had that with a guy. I've never known what it's like to share a mutual attraction with a guy and just enjoy being in a relationship. Another friend of mine broke up with her bf a couple months ago. For awhile we shared that whole "single ladies" camaraderie thing but like most of my other friends she met a guy recently and she is in another relationship. Of course I'm happy for her but I can't help but wonder how she has gone through 2 serious relationships, and now this one, and I am yet to have my 1st relationship. I try not to let it get to me though because it is never a good thing to compare your life with other people's lives. It also doesn't help that this friend has just got a great job in her field.

I know the year has just started but I am worried that January has almost ended and I'm already not liking how things are going. One of the reasons I moved is because I wanted, needed a fresh start and somehow the old situation have just transferred over from one country to the next. Now I am not that naive to have thought things would just magically get amazing because I live in a different continent, but I did expect things to change a bit. I mean it has. In someways I am much happier, but in other ways things are pretty much the same. I guess I have to be the change I want to see and also be patient for change to take place. I am just so paranoid January 2011 will come and I will be in the same place in my life. I really can't have that happen. I am close to that 25 yr mark (gonna be 24 this yr, eeek!), I know that's still young for a lot of people but I don't want to waste anymore of my 20's.

I've also been noticing recently alot of my friends, acquaintances and random people my age have been getting engaged, married and pregnant. I guess that its that time in life. My brother has also been bothering me asking me if I don't think its time to get a man (it took alot for me not to slap him!). Another family friend also told me that its time for me to get married (no pressure or anything...). I don't know if people think they are selling husbands at the store or something. Anyways I'm trying not to let it bother me, everyone has there time I suppose. I just can't help wondering when it will be MY TIME, MY TURN to have that career, that man and the life I've always wanted. I know I'm responsible for creating the life I want...I just hope I can.

Changes

2009-12-29T00:12:00.005-05:00

It has been a few weeks and some Sundays since I've blogged. During that time I have gone through quite a lot. Started a new job, recently quit, and decided to move to a new country entirely. I am leaving in 2 weeks exactly. I'm nervous, scared, happy, excited, worried and concerned. I am getting a fresh start. Yes, everyone is getting a fresh start, we'll soon be entering a new decade. But I mean I really get a fresh start. I get to move to a new country where few people know me and start over. I want things to go smoothly, I want things to be different. I want to not mess this up. But I am so scared nothing's going to change. I heard this saying and I believe it "If nothing changes, nothing changes". In effect, if I don't change, I can't expect things to be different. So lately I've been analysing myself (like I don't do that enough) and I know my flaws and I know what I need to do to change them. For example, I am a procrastinator. I know alot of people say this proudly. But I really am one, I don't do anything unless I absolutely have to. Until it has gotten to a point where it is utterly unbearable and urgent and if I don't do something there will be dire consequences. I was never concerned about this trait but lately I realize how badly it has affected my life. Hence the reason I blog like once in a blue moon. I only blog when I feel I absolutely have to say something. I know I need to change this trait to accomplish certain things in my life but I can't seem to get started.

I also can't seem to get started on preventing myself from self-medicating with food. For the last 4 months or so I have noticed that I have started using food as a coping device. I use it as an emotional crutch, and it is not exactly helping my body or my health. I need to stop but I haven't been able to do that successfully yet. Which I guess means I am not dealing with the root cause, my emotional issues. I want to get a whole of this before I move, which I know is a bit unrealistic. As I write this blog I realize its like I want to get perfect before I move. But being perfect is an elusive goal, ain't going to happen. So I have to deal with things as they are.

I know I am jumping all over the place but I'm just saying what I'm feeling. Have any of you ever felt like you observe too much? Sometimes I feel like a voyeur, like I spend ridiculous amounts of time observing and analysing different people's lives. Like I get so interested in their life, I just have to know what's going on with them. Meanwhile my own personal life is suffering severely because I haven't taken time to really groom my life in the way I want it to go. I'm concerned I won't be able to have a meaningful relationship of my own because I am too busy observing everybody else's relationship. Hence I probably need to stop spending so much time searching people out on fb and spend more time living my own life.

So I guess there are three things I really want to accomplish: minimize my procrastination, get control of my emotional eating and stop being a nosey voyeur and start having a life of my own. We'll see how it goes. Alright folks that's all for now, until next time.

That elusive goal...

2009-09-26T14:16:00.003-04:00

These days I'm too distracted by other things around me to have time to think about love and relationships, or better yet my lack of a relationship. During the weekdays I am too concerned about work or some other crisis that is happening around me to ponder on my singledom. But on the weekends I have oodles of free time. And today has been the first day in awhile since I felt that pang, that wish that I could have someone. But not just anyone, the real deal, a real relationship with someone that I am compatible with, who I love and who loves me. I think this pang came about from reading this girl's blog/vlog about her and her man. The way she spoke about him and their relationship, I have to admit it made me a little envious. This girl I workout with almost everyday, she also has a boyfriend and it seems like their relationship is almost perfect (i know nobody's relationship is perfect but from the outside looking in, it looks pretty good).

When I am around people in love and people in great relationships I can't help but think of my own life. I've never had a boyfriend or dated anyone over a long period of time, every guy I've dated has turned out to be a colossal failure. And then I start thinking about the future. My birthday is in December am I going to spend it with myself a fork and some ice-cream cake? Last year's birthday sucked and I would hate for it to be the same this year. And Christmas, normally I travel home to see my family (I'm a foreigner and my home country is far away) but this year I won't be able to travel because I am working and I am going to have to spend the holidays alone for the first time. All these things do nothing but depress me. I shouldn't even be thinking these things. But reality is when September hits I more or less take it as the year is over and the chances of finding someone are done for the year. Optimistic I know.

Lately I've been thinking alot about moving back home. I feel as though life would be easier there. One of my friends was an international student, as soon as school was over she left this country and went back home. She was my single buddy in crime, we would always complain about how this city was void of any good available men. She sent me an email recently letting me know she had found someone when she moved back home and she's happy. I am not saying that this will be the case with me but I know from living there it is easier to meet guys and date. However, although I am not a fan of the city I live in I don't have the guts to leave just yet. I know in the long run there are better opportunities here for work and being here will probably pay off in the future careerwise (or at least I hope so). I just wish I wasn't so lonesome sometimes.

And even now as I think about having a boyfriend, I ask myself if Mr.Wonderful was to come into my life right now would I be able to receive him? Or would I be insecure, jealous and doubting myself and him. I still think I'm not ready to have a real relationship yet because I have my own issues to work out. But at the same time I can't help but wish I was the one with the great relationship.

Update

2009-09-06T21:58:00.002-04:00

So I have been gone awhile, not really gone just haven't posted because I didn't feel like I had anything really interesting to say. This summer hasn't exactly been the funnest for me...to say the least. After graduating from uni, I had high hopes of having my first job which of course would be in my field and starting a new exciting chapter in my life. Instead, I was unemployed since May, I got involved with another guy where things ended up not good (that's an understatement), I was miserable and depressed and felt like I had gone backward instead of moving forward with my life. In fact things got so bad I longed for the days when I was a carefree student, when the biggest worry for me was studying for a midterm or final. Even now I still wish that I would be starting school this week. I guess I have been a student for so long I'm not sure what it is not to be one.

One lazy afternoon (who am i kidding all my afternoons have been lazy), just as things went from bad to worst, I got a call from a company wanting to have an interview with me. I was super excited! After months of nothing, finally someone saw something in me and was willing to give me a chance! But there was a catch of course. I hadn't applied to the job, in fact I didn't even know what the job was. A family friend had given my resume to the company and I guess they liked it. Ahh back to the catch. The job is extremely entry level, the pay is horrible and it has nothing to do with my field. At first I felt dismayed that the only job offer I got, I was overqualified for. But after a few pep talks from my mother I began to see things differently. Even though the position isn't exactly what I hoped for, it is for a big company with great room for advancement so that's a plus. And at least I am doing more than spending my days on a couch watching episode after episode of tv shows. And as everyone keeps telling me...you have to start somewhere. So I guess this is my start and I'm going to try and take advantage of the opportunity and be the best I can be. I start on Tuesday, I'm kinnda nervous but excited at the same time. It might not be the first day of school for me, but its a good enough substitute.

Apart from getting a new job, I decided to sign up with my friend for a fitness bootcamp thing. How she talked me into it, I have no idea! I am not exactly the most active person, and I am being generous here, so I am expecting to get my ass kicked. The main reason I am doing this, is not really about losing weight but more about being healthy and treating my body better. For the past month I have been abusing it by eating tons of junk food (I don't know how to cook so I rely on it alot), and being EXTREMELY LAZY. Being unemployed turned me into queen of the sloths, so I am trying to change that.

On the boy front, not much to report. That guy that I had met online, even though things didn't work out romantically we continued to talk to each other, in fact we bbmed each other every day. I knew it was moving into romantic territory again. I mean we flirted all the time, we spoke to each other right before going to bed every night but I kept telling myself oh its nothing we're just friends, even though I knew it was more than that. To make a long story short just as things were really progressing we got into a HUGE fight and I said some really hurtful things to him as he did the same to me. We agreed it was best we no longer talk to each other, even though we wished each other well. I guess the fight was that bad. The day after the incident I was really depressed about it but after that I got over it pretty quickly. This always seems to happen to me, I can never end things on a good note with a guy. My experience with guys are that it starts really fast and ends even faster and when it ends it is always volatile. I don't understand why things keep happening that way. But after that last time I have decided I am not really ready to get involved with any guy yet, until I fully love and appreciate myself (sounds cliche but its true). When I look back I realize that I never had a successful relationship with anyone because I am constantly insecure and looking for them to full a void instead of looking for someone to compliment me. So far I haven't really felt the longing to have a guy/boyfriend like I normally do. I have gotten lonely at times but even when I have been I didn't blame it on being single. In fact right now I am really okay with being single because I know it is right for me now and I do have hopes that one day when the time is right it will finally be my turn. I guess that's all for now, hopefully September will be interesting so I will be full of things to blog about.

Maybe its me...maybe its them

2009-07-09T12:00:00.002-04:00

There is a song that goes "Maybe its me, maybe its them, I'll never understand. I walk away from love once more like I've always done before." In my case its I walk away from like once more. So since my emotional date with the guy from the dating site, we'll call him Poet we went out another time. During that time like you all predicted I was able to move beyond the physical and like him for who he is. Now just as I really started liking him, I let my guard down (foolish on my part) and wouldn't you know it he decided he wasn't sure about me, he wanted to take things slower and keep his options open. This infuriated me because all the time he wants me to warm up to him etc. and now that I finally do he's pulling back. I understand the need to take things slow, that doesn't bother me at all, I'm all for moving at a snail's pace. What upsets me is that he wasn't preaching this before, this all happened after I started really liking him. Anyways I took it for what it was and agreed to take things slower.

However something started bothering me. It felt like all my potentials once again. They like me, i don't like them, they like me some more, i like them, they change their mind. And I just wasn't prepared to go through that again. I am tired of being the one left and hurt and looking like a fool. Anyways I told him I dont think we should continue talking. I am ready for a relationship and it seems like he still needs to explore and see whats out there. We ended up having a heated discussion about the whole thing. He thinks I am being dramatic and rushing everything and trying to give him an ultimatum to commit. Which is not the case at all! Because I don't even think he is right for me. I just don't see a future with us and I don't see the point in prolonging something that I don't feel right about. The way he spoke to me, made me feel like I was some sort of psycho. I felt like he was talking down to me which made me like him less and less. The way things ended is him being really frustrated yet still saying he wants to talk to me. I dont understand if I annoy you so much why would you still wanna talk to me?

When I got off the phone with him I felt a million times better. I got what I wanted off my chest even though it made me look like a fool, it felt better than pretending everything was okay. The sad thing is I see this pattern with every guy I start to date. Its always very short and ends in a big argument with them being frustrated and making me feel like a fool. Granted I haven't dated that many guys to be honest this is the 2nd situation in which this happened. But every guy I have dated so far always tells me they never met a girl like me before or I'm the strangest girl they ever met. Maybe its something in me that subconsciously pushes guys away. Or maybe I just haven't met the right guys yet. Right now I feel like maybe I do better alone because I am not good with dating or relationships at all. I realized this awhile ago and I enrolled in something called a "relationship lab". It basically was an 8 week group workshop that gave you the tools on how to do better in a relationship. During that time I actually felt better and more confident in entering a new relationship. It really was insightful. However since this latest incident I feel as though I have a long way to go. Either that or its something with the guys I date. In all reality I feel its a bit of both. For the moment though I will try to focus on other things in my life, like working on myself and my issues so I dont drag any baggage in a relationship. I also want to do some volunteer work since I'm not working right now. Somehow helping others really gives you less time to worry and focus on your own problems. And most importantly finding a job! Which is a job in itself. I guess that's it for now, its interesting to see how things go from here.

The Date

2009-06-30T12:51:00.002-04:00

The big date was yesterday. For those of you who know I met this guy online. From day one we connected instantly it wasn`t long before we started talking on the phone every night for 4 hours, yes 4 hours, and I usually hate talking on the phone. When we weren`t talking on the phone at night we were bbming (blackberry msging) each other all day. Just like I pictured it would be with my dream man. In our conversations he presented himself as someone who was genuine and sweet. He would say the nicest things to me. Aside from that he was smart and ambitious and believe it or not seemed like a serious monogamous! He is also a hopeless romantic.

Going into the date I was nervous. Nervous that he would be disappointed by me. But I was honest, he saw my pictures beforehand and said I was beautiful. I saw his pictures and thought he was cute. Not drop-dead gorgeous (not what im looking for anyways) but cute. It should be fine right? So we met at this italian restaurant for our date and as soon as I saw him my heart dropped. Dropped in disappointment....He didn`t look much like his pictures. I mean I saw the resemblance but in general he reminded me of this guy from high school, this really nerdy semi-chubby guy. I never thought I was so shallow but I just was not that physically attracted to him. Anyways not wanting to hurt him I continued with the date. All the while pretending I was interested while planning my exit strategy. After dinner he suggested we go back to his place to watch this movie he wanted me to see. Believe me he really wanted me to see that movie and thats it, thats just the kind of guy he is. I agreed although I don`t know why. I guess I still didnt know how to hurt him, he complimented me throughout the date on how beautiful and sweet I was. I felt so bad because in all reality I felt anything but sweet, here I was thinking bad things about the guy while he thought the world of me.

Back at his place we watched the movie and I caught him sneaking looks at me sometimes and smiling at me. Like someone completely smitten and in like. So the movie was done you think Id head for the hills right? Nope I stayed while he played music and spoke some more. I dont know why I didnt just get out of there, but I felt like I just couldnt leave yet, maybe I was hoping for some redemption for the disappointing date. And you know what the kicker is? He thought I was having a good time! And that I liked him as much as he liked me, maybe I am a better actress than I thought. Well If I didnt think the date would get worst...it did. There in the middle of his living room listening to music, something strange and horrifying happened. I cried. It began with little teardrops running down my face and then I was fully crying. And no I am not making this up to make this post sound more interesting. I was crying in front of this guy! I dont even know why I was crying. I dont know if it was the music or the fact that he was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo nice to me and clearly was soo into me. Or just the fact that I find it ironic that this guy has all the qualities I want in a guy but Im just not that physically attracted to him.

Anyways while I was crying he came over and wiped my tears and hugged me and asked if he did something. He didnt recoil in disgust or freak out like most guys. He was sweet about the whole thing and said he just didnt want me to be sad. He just wants me to be happy because I deserve all the happiness. We sat in silence when the crying stopped. He then said matter-of-factly that I was not ready for him that he had overwhelm me. That his showing me affection and expressing his feelings were too much for me and that it hurt him to see me cry. I felt so horrible I was making this sweet guy feel bad for being the sweet guy he was! I think of all the times I hoped and prayed for a guy like this and there he was sitting right in front of me, wiping my tears away and I couldnt deal with it. So you think I`d leave then right? Nope not yet. We continued to talk I still couldnt tell him I wasnt physically attracted to him. And part of me felt that if I went home then and there Id feel depressed knowing that another potential relationship failed and maybe I am just meant to be alone.

Eventually things got better and I started feeling really comfortable around him, like I could tell him anything. And I did...I told him I was a virgin and again he didnt recoil or freak out like most guys. He told me there was nothing wrong with that and it was admirable. I just dont know. I just cant give up on someone like that. We tried kissing it wasnt bad at all. I mean is it possible to not be physically attracted to someone but enjoy being physical with them? Because I felt that way with him.

To sum up the date was weird, strange, unexpected, memorable. It started off as a let down but turned out to be something entirely different. I dont know where I stand as of now. I mean I really like his personality, I like being physical with him. But I am not physically attracted to him. He isnt ugly or anything I just dont look at him that way. But there is more to a relationship than that. And I want to give it a try with him but it has to be EXTREMELY SLOWWWWWWW or else ill freak out and maybe cry again lol. For now I am torn I just wish things were easier. I wish I liked him as much as he likes me, I wish I found him as attractive as he finds me. I feel so horrible that I let looks play such a deep role in this all but I guess thats just how it is. Right now I have no clue what to do...

Terrified

2009-06-23T14:08:00.002-04:00

So something unexpected happen. I met a guy on the dating site and we've been talking nonstop. Of course my guard is up but so far he seems really nice we have alot in common, and its weird how i feel comfortable with him. Every time I think he can't say something sweeter or nicer he surprises me. But despite all this I am sooooooooooo wary we only started talking on sunday. thats 3 days!! this is just too weird for me. on paper he seems great but you never know what can happen. We haven't met in person yet which also has me hesitant because there is a difference between just talking and actually meeting. I am also scared because I am not use to getting attention from guys of any kind. And besides him there are alot of guys contacting me which is a bit overwhelming. Usually I can only focus on one guy at a time but I don't want to put all my eggs in a basket with this one guy I want to talk to the other guys as well and see what happens. The thing is I have no desire to do so. I am back and forth between being excited and scared. Aaah I don't know what to do anymore.

Wasn't prepared for this

2009-06-21T09:27:00.002-04:00

So I joined an online dating website yesterday and so far I am surprised by a number of things. First off a number of guys have contacted me already, didn't know so many men existed in my area lol and even weirder they aren't all complete weirdos. I mean of course there are weirdos but I thought there would be way more. What also surprised me was my reaction to it. I was scared to respond to some of the messages and I have no idea why. I only got brave close to midnight and started responding. This one guy and I kept emailing back and forth for awhile and I started to relax a bit more. But after awhile I got bored with the guy. I think what turned me off was his typos and bad grammar. Now I'm not about to win any spelling bee championships anytime soon but would it hurt to go 3 words without making a typo? I'm sorry I'm a bit prejudice when it comes to bad grammar. Another thing I don't know what to do about is guys who leave nice msgs but from their pics and/or their profiles I know I'm not attracted. I don't want to be mean and completely ignore them because of a pic but at the same time I feel like i'd be wasting their time and mine. Lol I think I need to brush up on some online dating etiquette. I think what surprises me is my dating phobia. I'm scared to go on the website in case guys will see me and msg me. I know completely weird seeing that's the whole point of joining a dating website. I have a louis vuitton trunk set of trust issues. I find it hard to trust guys. I'm beginning to think I am a closet commitment phobe. Although I do want a boyfriend and an amazing relationship I'm scared of the road to get there, I think it comes from being burned and rejected too many times. But I'm not going to run away just yet as I said I'm going to give it a shot. Who knows? I might be pleasantly surprised and meet a guy who actually took an English class.

I gave in

2009-06-20T11:35:00.003-04:00

So I gave in and joined the world of online dating. Not sure why, since I don't think it is really for me, stranger things have happened tho. Well whatever I'm going to give it a shot, be a realistic optimist and see what happens.

Being Single

2009-06-17T21:29:00.004-04:00

For the last month or so my family has been staying with me. Its a bit strange for me because I am use to living alone and doing what I want when I want. Anyways since this afternoon I had the apartment for myself, my family went to visit some friends so I was solo for the rest of the day. Honestly I was thrilled! I cherish my alone time and getting a break from my family was nice. So I thought of all the things I could do with my time. First i tried playing sims I quit shortly after. I tried catching up on some tv, nothing interested me. So I resorted to what else? Food. So there I was walking in the rain to get a slice of pizza. Ate the pizza then I felt someone tugging on my shoulder. Who was it but Mr.Lonely, begging me to entertain thoughts of alone-ness, singledom and just plain feeling sorry for myself. I tried to brush him off but after awhile I gave in and he won, pretty soon my afternoon became a pity party of why am I still single. Normally I'd be able to talk to my cousin who herself seems to be eternally single, but lately shes been seeing someone and things are getting serious. Needless to say she cant be my single buddy anymore. All my other friends are either taken or just dont understand so basically I have no one to talk to this about.
I just dont understand why is it so difficult for me to find someone. I mean at this point rocket science is looking like a piece of cake next to this. Granted I dont get out there enough I still wonder how I have gone 22 yrs without finding someone that i like and they like me back enough to have a relationship. And what annoys me most is that this thought seems to consume me. I am always questioning my single status and agonizing over it. I wish I could just be cool with it and not think about it so much.
To make things worst last night i had a dream about my friend, in the dream she got engaged to her bf and there I was trying to play the "oh im so happy for you but secretly jealous friend". I think thats what had me thinking about being unhappily single today. I can't even catch a break in my sleep. I long for the day when I can change my blog name to I finally got my turn!! But until then here's to not allowing Mr.Lonely to get the better of me.

It's Been Awhile

2009-05-31T10:40:00.004-04:00

So I haven't blogged in a month and some sundays. I've just been lazy and busy finishing off uni., moving into a new apartment and going on vacation. Now I'm back from vacation and I'm slowly but surely trying to get my life together. That means finding a job, maybe joining some clubs to get more social and just trying to live the life I want.

Alot of my time on vacation was spent reflecting on my life and the way things are and how I can better it. I notice some of my friendships are dissipating and I dont really care to salvage them. I have also noticed the transition from university to "adult life" is not as easy as I thought it would be, especially since I have no job. And of course I cant help but think about my single status. With regards to that...I feel okay about it. Okay meaning I accept it for what it is, sure I would like a boyfriend (who wouldn't right?) but I feel like I can't do much about that and whatever happens will happen. But there are times like this present time, when I wonder if I will ever meet someone. I haven't met any new guys in almost a year. The little love interest I had earlier this year was with my ex fling and that ended just fabulously *insert sarcasm here*.

I'm just worried because this is suppose to be an exciting time in my life right? I'm young, I just finished uni I'm finding my way in this world. But for me its not exciting. Its just confusing and I dont feel much anymore. I'm usually good at identifying the emotion I feel, but I can't even do that, all I feel is blah. Things are still the same: jobless, barely any social life, non-existent love life, and feeling like I am wasting my youth.

I just need to make an effort. I know I can have the things I want: job, social life, (not sure about the love part) if I make more of an effort and work at these things. Problem is? I've been saying these things for awhile, haven't put them into action and I kinnda suck with follow through. I guess that's whats been going on with me for awhile,too much yet not much at all...

Does it have to be this way?

2009-03-17T23:20:00.002-04:00

I don't understand it. I just don't get some people. So saturday I am on msn, when Mr.X msgs me. Somewhere in the conversation he asks "Would you like to come over tomorrow?". I hesitate but I agree, I mean I'm not doing anything, plus he is always telling me I should come check out his place. He even says he'll make sure he has my fav. beverage. Ok fine. Sunday comes, I go to a meeting, around 3 I text him "Are we still on for today?" No response, he never responds. The day comes and goes I never hear from him. I say ok, maybe Monday he'll text or call and explain or at least come up with some lie. Nothing. Tonight I'm online, he's online, not even a courtesy IM. I dont get it. Why make plans and then completely blow me off? Its not like I invited him out. He was the one that chose to talk to me, he was the one that invited me to his place.

Did he just change his mind? Did he forget? What happened? I don't even want to ask him because why should I be the one to care when he blew me off? The sad thing is, I do care. I still have strong feelings for him even though he clearly is not into me. It just hurts because my close friends that know about him are like he's such a jerk, its his loss, forget about him. But is it really his loss? I mean I'm sure he doesn't think so.

I just don't understand why it has to be this way. Did I do something horribly wrong that karma is getting me back for? Everywhere I look, this friend is engaged, this friend met her dream man. And I am still here...I mean I am blessed beyond belief in other areas in my life. I am excelling in school, I have always been lucky in the job area, I have an AMAZING family/parents and friends that will do anything for me. Other than the romantic love part, I have it pretty good. Should I just be grateful then for what I have and not want more? I always feel guilty when I complain about this because I know I have so much to be thankful for. But I can't help but wonder does being successful in one area of your life means other parts have to suffer?

Just one of those nights/Wake up call

2009-03-07T01:20:00.004-05:00

So its another friday night and I find myself home alone working furiously to make sure my sims have the perfect life. Now I dont mind spending a Friday night in vegetating, but it can get lonely after awhile. When staying in becomes the norm and going out is a rare deal, one begins to wonder.

While I was playing with the game I got an email on my blackberry from one of my friends. We dont talk often she lives in a different country, but whenever we do communicate she always asks me "So any prospects?". I love her but I hate that question. It's like "have you managed to finally find a man yet, or are you still hopelessly single?" So I told her about this one guy I was interested in but things hadn't worked out. Her response: "Don't worry you will get a good man in the right time." I guess its a nice, encouraging thing to say, if I hadn't heard it over the years over and over from well intentioned friends who really can't relate. Sure I do believe it will happen in the right time for me, but sometimes I just wish it would happen already. If only so I won't have to hear "So any prospects?" again.

Anyways, I brushed it off and then I got a call from my mother, aside from being a phone call it was a HUGE WAKE UP CALL as well. The convo went like this:

Me: Hello?
Mom: Hi, did I wake you? (btw its 10.00 at night and it is a friday)
Me: Nope I'm still up
Mom: Oh are you playing sims?
Me: *shocked and embarrassed* How do you know?
Mom: Oh because I know friday nights are sims nights
Me:...

So yeah with that I just about wanted to die. My mother and all knows that I don't have much of a social life. It's not that I don't want to go out and live it up, but I have few options. Most of my friends live out of the city, the ones that do live here are always broke and working. So that leaves me, and I usually don't mind going out alone but I have my limits. Luckily my mother has never pressed or bothered me about "finding someone" I guess she accepts me as the predictable-single daughter that I am.

As I mentioned before I live in the heart of downtown. I am also moving to an apartment in the same vicinity in April. I often feel like living downtown is a waste on me. I don't utilize all there is to see and do, but I love the city life. It is also a constant reminder of what I want. I want the full city life experience but I don't know how to get it. I have never been good at putting myself out there and as I move on from college and into "grown up time" I can't help but wonder if things will get better. I know for that to happen I have to be willing to get out of my comfort zone.

Lately things have been going well for me, but tonight is just one of those nights of too much analyzing and self scrutiny. If I do want things to change I know I have to make the change. The first step is just always the hardest...

Different

2009-03-03T23:07:00.002-05:00

So over the last couple of weeks I've been going through alot of changes in my life. Currently I'm about to graduate from uni. (month and half!), needless to say I am excited as hell! But it is also a bit stressful as I'm searching for a job (in this lovely economy). I was also looking for an apartment, I managed to find one and I love it! It is petite as I like to call it but its downtown and its in a great building. Aside from that I still have to deal with school, midterms, group projects etc. I don't know what it is, if all this change has inspired something in me but I myself am changing and for the better. I have to admit I've never been ms.sunshine-glass half-full in fact I can be very pessimistic at times and a bit of a downer. But lately I am constantly happy and smiling, I have a new outlook on life I am seeing things positively for once! I have also started exercising again, which is strange because I use to hate it and felt like it was something I have to do. But now I love it and its fun. Something else has also changed I'm not letting my single status bother me as much as it used to. In fact I am even more positive about that situation. I never would admit it before but secretly I used to think you could never be single and happy, something had to be missing, your life wasn't totally "complete" unless you're part of a couple. I think that belief had alot to do with what we hear from society. But anyways I don't believe that anymore. Single, couple, tripod you can be happy wherever you are in life.

I still have my days and moments when I want to scream and kick that annoying person over the head but I calm down and don't let it bother me as much. Now that I have found my joy I'm not letting anyone take it from me. It also weirds me out because I am not use to feeling this way so I'm like is this a fluke? Will I wake up tomorrow and be back to my negative way of thinking? But I honestly think that's up to me. I can either choose to be bitter and miserable or not to be bitter and miserable. I guess that's all for now, we'll see how this goes.

Surprisingly feeling good

2009-02-14T11:35:00.004-05:00

So its my fav. day of the year, the day I look forward to with abated breath *sarcasm*. Normally I get really down when Feb. 14th rolls around, but today I don't feel the usual doom and gloom. Maybe I've been single for so long it doesn't really affect me anymore, maybe I'm in denial, maybe I realize V-day isn't that big a deal or maybe I finally get that my single status is my current status but it doesn't mean its going to be that way permanently. I'm hoping my good cheer is due to the last reason. Anyways I'm not sure what everyone else is doing today. But here are my plans for surviving the day:

- Yesterday I bought myself two new Sims 2 expansion packs for really cheap (my vday gift to myself). I felt really good knowing that I didn't have to be stressing out buying a gift for someone else when I could buy something for myself that would make me really really happy. (Sorry if that sounds selfish)
- I plan to spend the entire day doing things that make me happy. That includes eating what I want without feeling guilty, playing sims for most of the day and possibly curling up with a good book or good dvd.
- Silently celebrate being single (it's not that bad). And relish the fact that one day I will have someone special to share this day with.

I wish everyone the current joy I feel. Don't let your single status define you, enjoy the day (or ignore it)!

2009-01-29T23:33:00.004-05:00

Evening with an Ex

2009-01-28T11:31:00.002-05:00

Last Thursday I spent an evening with my ex-fling, I think I mentioned him in my last blog. From now I'll call him Mr.X. Since New Years day we started communicating again, which was a surprise to me because I hadnt seen or spoken to him since 2007. Anyways we got to talking and he more or less invited himself over to dinner at my rez. Of course I made sure I was looking perfect but not like I was trying to look perfect. But along with that I had something that I don't think I had when we were flinging around, confidence. So many times we focus so much on the outside that we forget confidence is probably our best accessory. Anyways, when I saw him my heart immediately did some flip flops he was every bit as sexy and yummy as I remembered. And he smelt soooooooooo good. So he we had dinner and the conversation was here and there, one moment it was easy and comfortable, the next I was awkwardly fishing for something witty to say. But it was fun catching up and I really do enjoy his company. After dinner we went up to my room to hangout and things got a little more clear for me. If I thought I had feelings at dinner it got even stronger once we were in my room.

So here we are in my room and it was a bit awkward because I didn't know what to say or do, I didn't have a dining hall full of students to distract me. It was just me and him alone in my room, which conveniently consists mostly of my king size bed. We didn't do much, we watched Friends and spoke one or two words but it was mostly silent. I was fidgeting because I was nervous, and when I'm nervous my leg starts to shake lol kinnda weird, he even commented that I have restless legs, if he only knew he was the cause of it. I noticed that when he thought I wasn't looking he was looking at me, and we started flirting with each other, it was subtle but flirting nonetheless. At one point he touched my lips on the pretense of looking at my lip gloss, and I know that I wasn't the only one feeling the chemistry between us. We have always had something between us. But what I like about him, is I feel like its easy with him. Okay I know Im probably not making any sense because I said I was nervous and it was a bit awkward but I also feel this ease with him that I dont have with alot of guys. In particular this one guy I had a couple of dates with this summer. He's a case by himself but he made Mr.X seem even better. At the end of the evening he borrowed one of my old headphones that doesnt work well, and told me to hit him up next week to get it back and I should come check out his place. Of course I was probably grinning like an idiot.

After he left I couldn't help but wonder did I genuinely like him or was it nostalgia? or desperation for male attention? I still don't have the answers to that. And I also wondered is he interested? or just looking for a hook up? I also don't know the answers to those questions but time will tell. But what I do know is I have no interest in being a hook up buddy. I am done with murky, complicated, unsure. We are either friends, or dating there is no middle ground or compromise on that. Its 2009, I've had enough of murky situations that go nowhere. On Monday I was trying to find a way to contact him, how do I tell him I want to hangout again and get my headphones back? As I was thinking up of ways to bring it up (because I hate being the initiator) I noticed a new window popped up on msn. He i'med me. I was shocked because I was just thinking about how to talk to him, and I was away and he never msgs me when I'm on away. The conversation was easy and nice, and we made plans to meet on Thursday (as in tomorrow)for him to return the headphones. I'm not sure if he is just returning them or we're also hanging out. Seeing him again has brought up alot of questions and feelings, and even though I do like him I'm still guarding my heart and my emotions like my life depends on it. I'm not in the mood to get hurt. So I guess my approach on this is, we'll see what happens, don't put any pressure or unrealistic expectations on it. I guess thats it for now. I'll keep you posted if anything ensues!

Stop! I wanna get off this rollercoaster ride

2009-01-19T23:10:00.002-05:00

Life is a funny thing. One minute its great, next your wondering how did you get to this place where you dont wanna be. So out of the blue my ex-fling, (I say ex-fling because we never dated we just made out now and then)i'med me on New Year's day. Bare in mind we hadnt spoken since 2007 so it was shocking to say the least. We spoke a couple times after that and I tried not to make a big deal out of it, difficult for me because 1. I make a big deal out of everything and 2. I have always had this HUGEE crush on him, in fact hes the guy I liked most in my life so far. So one day he asked when I was going to invite him over for dinner. Now I live in a residence building where we have an all you can eat buffet for really cheap, so I wouldnt doubt that he was more interested in that than dining with me. So being the polite person I am I invited him over for dinner on Thursday. But to make it more platonic I also invited a mutual friend of ours so he wouldn't think I was trying to romance him once we were alone.

I rationalized that I wasn't still into him, I mean its been a yr and a half since we last saw each other! I'm not the same insecure girl hopelessly in like with someone who wouldnt give me the time of day. My confidence was built up I was good to go. Of course something had to happen. The mutual friend i invited I'll call her M. can't make Thurs. so I had to reschedule with him and see if he could do Fri. I didnt want to ask for fri. because I know for most normal people thats date night, or club night or whatever, but I asked anyways. And sure enough he said he wasnt sure about fri. but he'd let me know by wed. We then started talking and he mentioned that he was annoyed at the moment because, "Things that weren't necessarily supposed to be complicated all of a sudden are." That sentence has girl written all over it. I mean I shouldnt be surprised, he is probably dating someone but all of a sudden I felt my confidence level plummet, and I was that insecure girl facing unrequited like again.

I can't help but wonder why should I feel hurt? I mean its not like we are dating or we have even kept in touch but I cant help but wonder how is it I am always on this side of the equation? feeling rejected and loserish. For once I just wanna be that girl where things are normal I like a guy, and he likes me back. Is that sooo much to ask for? And being surrounded by all these couples doesnt help. At the moment out of all my friends I am the only single one and also the lucky one who has to hear about everyone elses lovey dovey perfect relationships. I swear I dont know how much more I can take. And with V-day coming up its even worst. All I want is mutual like and adoration, its all I ask...

Craving like a pregnant woman

2009-01-13T16:14:00.002-05:00

What do I want? A boyfriend. When do I want him? Now. What will we do together? Enjoy each other's company. Go for long walks all over the city. Visit exquisite restaurants. Speak easys (don't know what that is). Entertainment & artsy places, Listen to spoken word. Stay in for cuddle fests and comfy movies, eat on the floor because we want to, feed each other because we like to. Play with each other and laugh out loud. Kiss each other slow, long & hard, caress each other, whisper sweet nothings to each other. Share secrets, share love songs. Fall asleep together, eat brunch together, go on trips, he visits my hometown and I visit his birth place. Squeeze each other, let him admire my wobbly bits. Confide in each other, be there for one another when one of us is having a not so good day. Support each other's endeavours. Share inside jokes. Send sweet, flirtatious texts to one another, bbm all day, im all night but only when we're apart. Miss each other and crave each other when we're apart (not in the desperate, co-dependent way, but in the we like/love/enjoy each other so much we don't relish a long separation). Have long ass convos that could mean everything and at the same time nothing. Spoon together, go to the movies, walk hand in hand in public. Go to church together you know how we do. Give advice when its needed, be trustworthy, loyal and committed. Spend a day at the beach, go to a festival. Visit Niagra Falls for a weekend. Shop at the mall. Do homework and read together. Do I need to say more? No but I can, that's just how much I desire...

Birthday Blues, New Beginnings

2008-12-07T23:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a special day for me, it was my birthday! Yay and I am 22. For some reason I have always wanted to be that age, a friend once told me its the age of success. Well, let's hope so. Yesterday was different for me though, in all honesty my birthday kinnda sucked, some of my close friends didn't even acknowledge me and it hurt. I didn't really do much. It's funny one of my cousins called yesterday and one of the first questions she asked was, "Is your boyfriend taking you out?" Because of course its assumed someone my age would have a boyfriend and its only natural he will take me out for my birthday. Of course the answer was no...because I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had one. I'm not always a Debbie the Downer on this subject because, sometimes I do enjoy being single, I treasure my alone time. But on certain occasions like these I wonder what it would be like to have a bf, to have him surprise me at the door on my birthday morning bearing a well thought out gift. And later whisking me away for a special surprise dinner. I know they say you can't miss what you never had, but you can feel like your missing out.

I have a friend I'll call her B. for bold/brave she came over late last night minutes before my birthday ended to tell me all about her new fling/potential whatever you want to call it. She met him at some event and they immediately hit it off. This is a ritual with us, she comes over tells me about her flings/sexpacades I listen with rapt attention, mumble the appropriate "hmms, wows, no ways, reallys?" and then she asks me about me, out of courtesy I assume, because she knows its only going to be about school or something else, never about a boy. So in the midst of this conversation she tells me other things thats going on with her and I can't help but be envious. Not so much about the boy, but about how she constantly lives her life to the fullest (ignore the cliche), but its true. I even told her, "You always have something interesting to say", she's like, "Of course you have to keep things interesting, you never want it to be boring." Everything she has ever wanted she goes after it, no matter how crazy, she doesn't always succeed but at least she puts herself out there. I am the same way...except when it comes to guys,or social things. I don't know what it is but something always holds me back, maybe its fear, maybe I am shyer than I think. I don't know. Anyways as I looked back on my year as 21, I can't help but want more for 22. More adventure, more spontanetity, more enjoyment, more risks, more pleasure, more excitement, more happiness, more love. It doesn't necessarily mean having a boyfriend, (although that would be nice too). But it does mean me making a change for the better, not letting fear take control and just getting out there more. So here's hoping for more!