Dragging your Reason into a Season

Here's how my morning started *Jumped out of bed with a start, my chest began to heave, and yes I just used the words heave, my eyes searched the room furiously*, I had the nightmare of all nightmares. Nope no monsters were involved (well no non-human ones anyways) and no there were no serial killers out to get me (although I might have preferred it!). I had a dream about a guy and his damn ex girlfriend that I never even met!! Let me explain...

In my last post I spoke about a guy who led me to an epiphany. He was a guy I was semi-dating who was confusing the hell outta me. Anyways at the end of my post I added a premature P.S., you see I thought it was officially over, I was wrong. After my epiphany and my reflection I was ready to move on with my life when we stumbled into each other again. He told me he had missed me for the period we were apart, which was all of one weekend and I got a little weak in the knees (I know, I know, paaathetic). But I was determined to keep things strictly casual and in the friend zone, after all this was the guy who called me "strange" and not in a good way. He completely ruined my good intentions on Valentine's Day. As soon as I woke up, I noticed my BB red light flashing, it was him wishing me Valentine's Day and saying other incredible sweet things, things that would make any girl heart go a pitter patter, and so it began. I found myself back in the same story of me putting in most of the effort, him putting in as little as possible and me wondering why I kept doing this to myself. Well I finally snapped out of it and stopped the madness (or so I thought).

I went on a strike for a week, I didn't communicate with him once and surprise surprise he didn't initiate anything with me either. However I guess it began to get to him because he messaged me demanding to know why I was ignoring him. Of course I lied and pretended that I hadn't, and when I suggested that he should have just contacted me if he wanted to talk he gave me some smart aleck answer. Stupidly, I felt kinnda bad, although a bit superior and we ended up having a 5 hr conversation on Sat/Sun, followed by a 3 hr on Sun/Mon, followed by another 3 hr on Mon/Tues. and you get my drift, it went like that for most of the week. We have always had that though, the ability to talk to each other for hours and hours and forget time exists. But long ass conversations does not a relationship make.

Somewhere in those long ass conversations his ex girlfriend came up. He was involved with her for 4 years until early last year when it ended. We have had conversations about her before but I guess we got a little more in depth. He spoke about how screwed up everything got and how "out of touch with reality" she is. He also explained that he got really depressed and lonely after the break up and he started dating a lot of girls to fill the void (me included, imagine what a joy it was to know that I was a void filler). He ended up saying that he was done with that and from now on it was about getting his life back together. Of course I was happy for him but slightly confused, where did that leave me? I guess in the friend zone where I thought I wanted to be. But you know how it is when a guy all of a sudden wants to be just friends, that makes you want him even more. But, I managed to push that aside and was content with being friends. Of course he couldn't make it easy, he was still flirtatious and suggestive which made it more confusing.

So yesterday, in a naive stupor, I left him a "little more" than friends message. His response? 2 sentences and the conversation was over. Yet another slap in the face. When will I learn?? He is just not that into me, he all but said it. He doesn't want a relationship, and more importantly he does not want a relationship with me. I don't understand why it is such a hard message to grasp. Well grasp it I did when I realised I was also using him as a void filler. He was the faux boyfriend I never had. I wasn't necessarily crazy about him, I was just happy to have someone there, anyone and I was finding it difficult to let go. In my last post I mentioned that he came into my life for a reason, to bring the message home that I had to love myself first before I could love anyone else. Well instead of just accepting that he was there for a reason, I gave him the green light for another season. Now I'm not gonna say its "officially over" or I'll never speak to him again but I know that I'm not going to use him as a void filler and as for contacting him? Well let's just say the urge has quieted down immensely. Being alone, sans distractions, sans fillers can be a really scary thing but sometimes we just have to go through it in order to get what we want in the end, true love, peace of mind, whatever. So I'm dropping the filler...Lord help me!


Oooo I almost forgot what started this post! As if the slap in the face wasn't enough yesterday, I dreamt about his ex girlfriend, who I never even met. He apparently got drunk and wrote some horrible things on her facebook wall and I got the notification. I ended up going to her house and she was oh so petite and perfect, not to mention sickenly sweet. She was so upset he had done this but I could tell she was acting all superior and was looking down at me (I know, I know it was just a dream, but you should have seen her!). Needless to say I officially hate her. She was always this woman in the background taunting me, well now I got up close and personal with her and that was even more resounding than the slap in the face. If that wasn't a loud enough warning sign I don't know what is! So yeah that was my nightmare, as I said before, Lord help me!