That elusive goal...

These days I'm too distracted by other things around me to have time to think about love and relationships, or better yet my lack of a relationship. During the weekdays I am too concerned about work or some other crisis that is happening around me to ponder on my singledom. But on the weekends I have oodles of free time. And today has been the first day in awhile since I felt that pang, that wish that I could have someone. But not just anyone, the real deal, a real relationship with someone that I am compatible with, who I love and who loves me. I think this pang came about from reading this girl's blog/vlog about her and her man. The way she spoke about him and their relationship, I have to admit it made me a little envious. This girl I workout with almost everyday, she also has a boyfriend and it seems like their relationship is almost perfect (i know nobody's relationship is perfect but from the outside looking in, it looks pretty good).

When I am around people in love and people in great relationships I can't help but think of my own life. I've never had a boyfriend or dated anyone over a long period of time, every guy I've dated has turned out to be a colossal failure. And then I start thinking about the future. My birthday is in December am I going to spend it with myself a fork and some ice-cream cake? Last year's birthday sucked and I would hate for it to be the same this year. And Christmas, normally I travel home to see my family (I'm a foreigner and my home country is far away) but this year I won't be able to travel because I am working and I am going to have to spend the holidays alone for the first time. All these things do nothing but depress me. I shouldn't even be thinking these things. But reality is when September hits I more or less take it as the year is over and the chances of finding someone are done for the year. Optimistic I know.

Lately I've been thinking alot about moving back home. I feel as though life would be easier there. One of my friends was an international student, as soon as school was over she left this country and went back home. She was my single buddy in crime, we would always complain about how this city was void of any good available men. She sent me an email recently letting me know she had found someone when she moved back home and she's happy. I am not saying that this will be the case with me but I know from living there it is easier to meet guys and date. However, although I am not a fan of the city I live in I don't have the guts to leave just yet. I know in the long run there are better opportunities here for work and being here will probably pay off in the future careerwise (or at least I hope so). I just wish I wasn't so lonesome sometimes.

And even now as I think about having a boyfriend, I ask myself if Mr.Wonderful was to come into my life right now would I be able to receive him? Or would I be insecure, jealous and doubting myself and him. I still think I'm not ready to have a real relationship yet because I have my own issues to work out. But at the same time I can't help but wish I was the one with the great relationship.

Update

So I have been gone awhile, not really gone just haven't posted because I didn't feel like I had anything really interesting to say. This summer hasn't exactly been the funnest for me...to say the least. After graduating from uni, I had high hopes of having my first job which of course would be in my field and starting a new exciting chapter in my life. Instead, I was unemployed since May, I got involved with another guy where things ended up not good (that's an understatement), I was miserable and depressed and felt like I had gone backward instead of moving forward with my life. In fact things got so bad I longed for the days when I was a carefree student, when the biggest worry for me was studying for a midterm or final. Even now I still wish that I would be starting school this week. I guess I have been a student for so long I'm not sure what it is not to be one.

One lazy afternoon (who am i kidding all my afternoons have been lazy), just as things went from bad to worst, I got a call from a company wanting to have an interview with me. I was super excited! After months of nothing, finally someone saw something in me and was willing to give me a chance! But there was a catch of course. I hadn't applied to the job, in fact I didn't even know what the job was. A family friend had given my resume to the company and I guess they liked it. Ahh back to the catch. The job is extremely entry level, the pay is horrible and it has nothing to do with my field. At first I felt dismayed that the only job offer I got, I was overqualified for. But after a few pep talks from my mother I began to see things differently. Even though the position isn't exactly what I hoped for, it is for a big company with great room for advancement so that's a plus. And at least I am doing more than spending my days on a couch watching episode after episode of tv shows. And as everyone keeps telling me...you have to start somewhere. So I guess this is my start and I'm going to try and take advantage of the opportunity and be the best I can be. I start on Tuesday, I'm kinnda nervous but excited at the same time. It might not be the first day of school for me, but its a good enough substitute.

Apart from getting a new job, I decided to sign up with my friend for a fitness bootcamp thing. How she talked me into it, I have no idea! I am not exactly the most active person, and I am being generous here, so I am expecting to get my ass kicked. The main reason I am doing this, is not really about losing weight but more about being healthy and treating my body better. For the past month I have been abusing it by eating tons of junk food (I don't know how to cook so I rely on it alot), and being EXTREMELY LAZY. Being unemployed turned me into queen of the sloths, so I am trying to change that.

On the boy front, not much to report. That guy that I had met online, even though things didn't work out romantically we continued to talk to each other, in fact we bbmed each other every day. I knew it was moving into romantic territory again. I mean we flirted all the time, we spoke to each other right before going to bed every night but I kept telling myself oh its nothing we're just friends, even though I knew it was more than that. To make a long story short just as things were really progressing we got into a HUGE fight and I said some really hurtful things to him as he did the same to me. We agreed it was best we no longer talk to each other, even though we wished each other well. I guess the fight was that bad. The day after the incident I was really depressed about it but after that I got over it pretty quickly. This always seems to happen to me, I can never end things on a good note with a guy. My experience with guys are that it starts really fast and ends even faster and when it ends it is always volatile. I don't understand why things keep happening that way. But after that last time I have decided I am not really ready to get involved with any guy yet, until I fully love and appreciate myself (sounds cliche but its true). When I look back I realize that I never had a successful relationship with anyone because I am constantly insecure and looking for them to full a void instead of looking for someone to compliment me. So far I haven't really felt the longing to have a guy/boyfriend like I normally do. I have gotten lonely at times but even when I have been I didn't blame it on being single. In fact right now I am really okay with being single because I know it is right for me now and I do have hopes that one day when the time is right it will finally be my turn. I guess that's all for now, hopefully September will be interesting so I will be full of things to blog about.

Maybe its me...maybe its them

There is a song that goes "Maybe its me, maybe its them, I'll never understand. I walk away from love once more like I've always done before." In my case its I walk away from like once more. So since my emotional date with the guy from the dating site, we'll call him Poet we went out another time. During that time like you all predicted I was able to move beyond the physical and like him for who he is. Now just as I really started liking him, I let my guard down (foolish on my part) and wouldn't you know it he decided he wasn't sure about me, he wanted to take things slower and keep his options open. This infuriated me because all the time he wants me to warm up to him etc. and now that I finally do he's pulling back. I understand the need to take things slow, that doesn't bother me at all, I'm all for moving at a snail's pace. What upsets me is that he wasn't preaching this before, this all happened after I started really liking him. Anyways I took it for what it was and agreed to take things slower.

However something started bothering me. It felt like all my potentials once again. They like me, i don't like them, they like me some more, i like them, they change their mind. And I just wasn't prepared to go through that again. I am tired of being the one left and hurt and looking like a fool. Anyways I told him I dont think we should continue talking. I am ready for a relationship and it seems like he still needs to explore and see whats out there. We ended up having a heated discussion about the whole thing. He thinks I am being dramatic and rushing everything and trying to give him an ultimatum to commit. Which is not the case at all! Because I don't even think he is right for me. I just don't see a future with us and I don't see the point in prolonging something that I don't feel right about. The way he spoke to me, made me feel like I was some sort of psycho. I felt like he was talking down to me which made me like him less and less. The way things ended is him being really frustrated yet still saying he wants to talk to me. I dont understand if I annoy you so much why would you still wanna talk to me?

When I got off the phone with him I felt a million times better. I got what I wanted off my chest even though it made me look like a fool, it felt better than pretending everything was okay. The sad thing is I see this pattern with every guy I start to date. Its always very short and ends in a big argument with them being frustrated and making me feel like a fool. Granted I haven't dated that many guys to be honest this is the 2nd situation in which this happened. But every guy I have dated so far always tells me they never met a girl like me before or I'm the strangest girl they ever met. Maybe its something in me that subconsciously pushes guys away. Or maybe I just haven't met the right guys yet. Right now I feel like maybe I do better alone because I am not good with dating or relationships at all. I realized this awhile ago and I enrolled in something called a "relationship lab". It basically was an 8 week group workshop that gave you the tools on how to do better in a relationship. During that time I actually felt better and more confident in entering a new relationship. It really was insightful. However since this latest incident I feel as though I have a long way to go. Either that or its something with the guys I date. In all reality I feel its a bit of both. For the moment though I will try to focus on other things in my life, like working on myself and my issues so I dont drag any baggage in a relationship. I also want to do some volunteer work since I'm not working right now. Somehow helping others really gives you less time to worry and focus on your own problems. And most importantly finding a job! Which is a job in itself. I guess that's it for now, its interesting to see how things go from here.

The Date

The big date was yesterday. For those of you who know I met this guy online. From day one we connected instantly it wasn`t long before we started talking on the phone every night for 4 hours, yes 4 hours, and I usually hate talking on the phone. When we weren`t talking on the phone at night we were bbming (blackberry msging) each other all day. Just like I pictured it would be with my dream man. In our conversations he presented himself as someone who was genuine and sweet. He would say the nicest things to me. Aside from that he was smart and ambitious and believe it or not seemed like a serious monogamous! He is also a hopeless romantic.

Going into the date I was nervous. Nervous that he would be disappointed by me. But I was honest, he saw my pictures beforehand and said I was beautiful. I saw his pictures and thought he was cute. Not drop-dead gorgeous (not what im looking for anyways) but cute. It should be fine right? So we met at this italian restaurant for our date and as soon as I saw him my heart dropped. Dropped in disappointment....He didn`t look much like his pictures. I mean I saw the resemblance but in general he reminded me of this guy from high school, this really nerdy semi-chubby guy. I never thought I was so shallow but I just was not that physically attracted to him. Anyways not wanting to hurt him I continued with the date. All the while pretending I was interested while planning my exit strategy. After dinner he suggested we go back to his place to watch this movie he wanted me to see. Believe me he really wanted me to see that movie and thats it, thats just the kind of guy he is. I agreed although I don`t know why. I guess I still didnt know how to hurt him, he complimented me throughout the date on how beautiful and sweet I was. I felt so bad because in all reality I felt anything but sweet, here I was thinking bad things about the guy while he thought the world of me.

Back at his place we watched the movie and I caught him sneaking looks at me sometimes and smiling at me. Like someone completely smitten and in like. So the movie was done you think Id head for the hills right? Nope I stayed while he played music and spoke some more. I dont know why I didnt just get out of there, but I felt like I just couldnt leave yet, maybe I was hoping for some redemption for the disappointing date. And you know what the kicker is? He thought I was having a good time! And that I liked him as much as he liked me, maybe I am a better actress than I thought. Well If I didnt think the date would get worst...it did. There in the middle of his living room listening to music, something strange and horrifying happened. I cried. It began with little teardrops running down my face and then I was fully crying. And no I am not making this up to make this post sound more interesting. I was crying in front of this guy! I dont even know why I was crying. I dont know if it was the music or the fact that he was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo nice to me and clearly was soo into me. Or just the fact that I find it ironic that this guy has all the qualities I want in a guy but Im just not that physically attracted to him.

Anyways while I was crying he came over and wiped my tears and hugged me and asked if he did something. He didnt recoil in disgust or freak out like most guys. He was sweet about the whole thing and said he just didnt want me to be sad. He just wants me to be happy because I deserve all the happiness. We sat in silence when the crying stopped. He then said matter-of-factly that I was not ready for him that he had overwhelm me. That his showing me affection and expressing his feelings were too much for me and that it hurt him to see me cry. I felt so horrible I was making this sweet guy feel bad for being the sweet guy he was! I think of all the times I hoped and prayed for a guy like this and there he was sitting right in front of me, wiping my tears away and I couldnt deal with it. So you think I`d leave then right? Nope not yet. We continued to talk I still couldnt tell him I wasnt physically attracted to him. And part of me felt that if I went home then and there Id feel depressed knowing that another potential relationship failed and maybe I am just meant to be alone.

Eventually things got better and I started feeling really comfortable around him, like I could tell him anything. And I did...I told him I was a virgin and again he didnt recoil or freak out like most guys. He told me there was nothing wrong with that and it was admirable. I just dont know. I just cant give up on someone like that. We tried kissing it wasnt bad at all. I mean is it possible to not be physically attracted to someone but enjoy being physical with them? Because I felt that way with him.

To sum up the date was weird, strange, unexpected, memorable. It started off as a let down but turned out to be something entirely different. I dont know where I stand as of now. I mean I really like his personality, I like being physical with him. But I am not physically attracted to him. He isnt ugly or anything I just dont look at him that way. But there is more to a relationship than that. And I want to give it a try with him but it has to be EXTREMELY SLOWWWWWWW or else ill freak out and maybe cry again lol. For now I am torn I just wish things were easier. I wish I liked him as much as he likes me, I wish I found him as attractive as he finds me. I feel so horrible that I let looks play such a deep role in this all but I guess thats just how it is. Right now I have no clue what to do...

Terrified

So something unexpected happen. I met a guy on the dating site and we've been talking nonstop. Of course my guard is up but so far he seems really nice we have alot in common, and its weird how i feel comfortable with him. Every time I think he can't say something sweeter or nicer he surprises me. But despite all this I am sooooooooooo wary we only started talking on sunday. thats 3 days!! this is just too weird for me. on paper he seems great but you never know what can happen. We haven't met in person yet which also has me hesitant because there is a difference between just talking and actually meeting. I am also scared because I am not use to getting attention from guys of any kind. And besides him there are alot of guys contacting me which is a bit overwhelming. Usually I can only focus on one guy at a time but I don't want to put all my eggs in a basket with this one guy I want to talk to the other guys as well and see what happens. The thing is I have no desire to do so. I am back and forth between being excited and scared. Aaah I don't know what to do anymore.

Wasn't prepared for this

So I joined an online dating website yesterday and so far I am surprised by a number of things. First off a number of guys have contacted me already, didn't know so many men existed in my area lol and even weirder they aren't all complete weirdos. I mean of course there are weirdos but I thought there would be way more. What also surprised me was my reaction to it. I was scared to respond to some of the messages and I have no idea why. I only got brave close to midnight and started responding. This one guy and I kept emailing back and forth for awhile and I started to relax a bit more. But after awhile I got bored with the guy. I think what turned me off was his typos and bad grammar. Now I'm not about to win any spelling bee championships anytime soon but would it hurt to go 3 words without making a typo? I'm sorry I'm a bit prejudice when it comes to bad grammar. Another thing I don't know what to do about is guys who leave nice msgs but from their pics and/or their profiles I know I'm not attracted. I don't want to be mean and completely ignore them because of a pic but at the same time I feel like i'd be wasting their time and mine. Lol I think I need to brush up on some online dating etiquette. I think what surprises me is my dating phobia. I'm scared to go on the website in case guys will see me and msg me. I know completely weird seeing that's the whole point of joining a dating website. I have a louis vuitton trunk set of trust issues. I find it hard to trust guys. I'm beginning to think I am a closet commitment phobe. Although I do want a boyfriend and an amazing relationship I'm scared of the road to get there, I think it comes from being burned and rejected too many times. But I'm not going to run away just yet as I said I'm going to give it a shot. Who knows? I might be pleasantly surprised and meet a guy who actually took an English class.

I gave in

So I gave in and joined the world of online dating. Not sure why, since I don't think it is really for me, stranger things have happened tho. Well whatever I'm going to give it a shot, be a realistic optimist and see what happens.